So far my biggest accomplishment in the last 24 hours was painting my fingernails blue. But Monacita had an idea for a rearrangement that might work! I’ve not made tons of headway on it, but I think this will be useable. Sweet

Apparently my therapist sees children right before me. When I arrived she had a box of seashells, a pile of pipe cleaners, and the ever present puppets. I asked her if I could play with the pipe cleaners, and she muttered someting about keeping on topic, but relented when I started playing with them anyway.

I made flowers while we talked. I gave her one at the end (after all they were her pipe cleaners). Apparently I “touched” her, because she felt the need to hug me. Ugh.

I don’t think I got enough sleep, I’m still having a hard time focusing.

It’s 5:45. I have not slept yet. I’ve been watching Daria (about 4 hours worth at this point, maybe more) and trying to figure out a way to re-arrange my room. Between the tansu, the bed and the desk, there is just no other way I can arrange them, and still be able to walk through my room.

My mother’s suggestion was something along the lines of, “we could pull the extra shelving unit out of my room, and take it to the storage unit.” I think this is supposed to help with my room, but I’m not sure how.

My preferred solution would be to move out.

It’s good to dream.

Okay, it’s getting hard to concentrate, so it must be time to go to bed. If this is totally incoherent, you know why.

It’s funny, I simpllified my blog entry device because my prior process of blogging was tedious and off-putting. I’d think of things I wanted to say, but wouldn’t update because it was a pain in the ass.

Now it’s easy to blog, and I find I have nothing to say.

Sad really…

Oh well. C’est la vie.

Discovered Sangria last night… got away with only a slight headache that a shower cured this morning. Not bad. Discovered candle making too. Messy, but fun.

Can’t think of much else to say, sorry.

Grrrr… I HATE HORMONES!

Wednesday involved the period from hell. Once or twice a year I get this nightmare period that is incredibly painful and involves insanely heavy bleeding and the whole nine yards. (You really don’t want to hear about the whole nine yards.) That’s what I did Wed afternoon and evening. I can do almost nothing else while it happens. Once it finally ends for the day, I usually get a day or so to rest, then it starts up again.

So, yesterday, almost nothing. Just now, another round of heavy bleeding. So now emotionally I’m fine, or at least able to cope again. (Anything I feel is exaggerated right before my period starts. I try to pretend it’s psychosomatic, but its not. If there is nothing wrong, I will FIND something to be wrong. I hate it. I hate that I fit a stereotype about women. I hate that it means when something really IS wrong, people can brush it off as my period. I’ve finally learned that I have to wait at least three days to make sure any crisis is a real crisis. I hate having to second guess myself like that. I FUCKING HATE HORMONES!)

I’m exhausted, and feel like I could sleep, but now I have to go do laundry to save my off-white khakis.

I hate hormones. I really really hate hormones. And I’m not too fond of any of the other “benefits” the menstrual cycle has to offer either. BLEH!!!

I feel like I should post something, but everything that comes to mind just seems too damn melodramatic. I want to sleep. I didn’t sleep last night, and I can’t seem to sleep now, and it’s just screwing with my mind.

BLEH!!!

It’s been a long day. I feel alternately like an emotional wreck and like there is great hope for me, for life, for the universe. My life is in transition. There is a hole inside me, but it is a necessity. My mother once told me that for something new to come into your life you have to make room for it… and that is usually in the form of a hole. Having the hole is hard, and it hurts, but I embrace it with a certain hopefulness through my tears; something new is coming.

Part of it is already here. I am able to look forward without fear. Something changed within Monacita and my relationship, and I realized that she is a friend. It’s been a very long time since I’ve opened my heart and made a friend. I’ve spent a long time hiding a secret part of me away from people who didn’t already know it was there.

I don’t know how to explain the sense of comfort, joy, and trust in this discovery. Perhaps it was there all along and I just never noticed. Perhaps it is new. But ultimately it doesn’t matter because it is there now, and it makes me happy.

My life is in a weird place right now… but it is a good place, a hopeful place. It’s a hard place, but nothing truly worth doing is ever easy.

There are tears running down my cheeks, but there is no fear in my heart.
It’s an amazing feeling.

Oh for fuck’s sake… That Dumb Bitch (a.k.a. Flower Britches) just called to let me know that Dr. Phil was on with a bunch of women who had struggled to lose weight, but finally prevailed. They were telling how they did it. She found it inspiring, and thought I should know so I have the option of watching.

I feel all American at this point; over weight, out of work, and desperately seeking instant gratification.

(The instant gratification is in the form of an IEEE case for my 80 gig drive so I have more than 400 meg of free hard drive space on Astropop’s hard drive.)

blah.

Today I emailed a friend of a friend about submitting a resume to Genentech. I’ve applied to Genentech before, two or three times at this point (usually for 3-5 jobs per try) and have never heard a damn thing.

Last week I forwarded off a resume to my mother’s boss, who sent it to her daughter, who was supposed to forward it to a friend who does hiring for some lab in SF.

I’ve had one interview in the last 4 months.

What in the hell is wrong with me? When did I become unemployable? I never used to have a problem finding a job…

So, I should have left for therapy about 5 minutes ago, but I haven’t been home in like 2 days and have had lots of ideas for things to write, but haven’t had the chance to write them down and now I don’t remember any of them. oops.

Oh well. But I’m still alive, and now you all know that, and so, that said, I should probably run, I wouldn’t want to keep ol’ flower britches waiting. There are food tips to be shared after all! *blargh*

Oh, and if you get the chance, go outside… it’s pretty out today

I got ordained today!

I am now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church. Go me!

I don’t really know what I’m going to do with my new ordination, but I like the idea of being ordained. I’ve wanted to ever since Rev. Cisco did. They have classes you can take to get your Doctor of Divination too, in all sorts of weird things like motivation. That kind of baffles me, but what the hell.

You too can become an ordained minister!

Best of all, like my Alma Matter and that high quality wine Thunderbird, it’s based out of Stanislaus County! Woo Hoo! The hell with Valued Sony Customer, I’m running with “Central Valley Mama!”

…

Jesus, that HAS to be the cold talking.