I successfully turned in my application. It wasn’t exactly the highlight of my day, but I think I’d do the job well. All in all I’m feeling better, if not thrilled by the whole thing.

My mother stayed home from work today, and when I got home proceeded to describe in lavish detail all the odd jobs she’d found for me. It kind of felt like a slap in the face, although I know she intended to help. Intellectually I’m appreciative. Emotionally, I’m not well prepared to deal with her suggestions. I have to hold my reigns very tight to keep from saying anything.

I cleaned my room up today, and set up my alter which has been in shambles ever since I rearranged a month or so ago. Just having that back on track made me feel better. I also cleaned up my desk, and on a whim, got my keyboard out and tried to play. I discovered I can barely remember how to read music!! It’s pathetic! Four semesters of music theory down the drain! (No great loss on that last count.. I have issues with music theory. But it is where I learned to read bass clef, and I’m disappointed that it’s such a struggle for me now.)

Anyway, I’ve re-discovered that I love music! I know I used to love it a lot, I mean, I majored in it for god’s sake. But I’d forgotten how it felt. I never did play piano well, so now I pick slowly at the keys, and the melodies are recognizable ONLY because I know them so well, but it’s still fun. I’m happy. I absolutely love this. I can’t believe I’d forgotten. What a wonderful discovery.

I just completed an application for employment for my credit union.

I look at this piece of paper and feel ashamed.

It looks like I’ve accomplished nothing with my life.

The line about having a BS from CSU Stanislaus in Biology is the only hint that I spent three years working my ass off for a degree I can’t use. It’s the only hint that I’ve been trying to find a job since last August. The only hint that I’m not good enough to even get an interview in the field I got my degree for.

I feel like a failure at life.

Because I am now looking “beyond my chosen field” my mother keeps calling me and telling me about jobs in other fields. She prints them out when she can’t get ahold of me. There is a small pile on my desk reminding me that I’m not good enough.

A teller in a bank.

I’m applying to be a teller in a bank.

7 months of looking for a job in a lab, and nothing.

I feel like nothing.

From taking too long to get a fucking degree to not being able to find a job.

I am nothing.

nothing.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!

“May barbarians invade your personal space!”

You are highly confrontational and possibly in a
bad mood. You would have sworn in this quiz,
if I had made it an option.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Who knew a quiz could be so accurate?

I want to scream I want to rave I want to yell I want to hurt I want to heal I want to kill I want to live I want to die I want to feel I want to need I want to love I want to lust I want to hear I want to see I want to tear I want to cry I want to fail I want to succeed I want to be I want to wonder I want to fly I want to drive I want to win I want to lose I want to run I want to jump I want to breath I want to smoke I want to rule I want to judge I want to cling I want to sleep I want to understand I want to be free I want to flail I want to sink I want to swim I want to rest