I guess that question would make more sense if I actually updated about the shit that has gone down since September.

Last we spoke I’d declared war on August and was desperately grateful it was over…

Oh. My. God.

I just realized all I posted was a few lines about the fast.

Nothing about all the shit that’s gone down since I turned 32.

Oops.

The ironic part is it’s spiraled so far out of control that most of it feels like ancient history. Honestly, I think Furina visited about three years ago, not less than two months ago.

So… Since the beginning of August of this year I’ve been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, been put on a fast (lost 44 lbs in 6 weeks which is *insane*), seem to have ditched the diabetes via the fast, got rid of the sleep apnea by losing 44 lbs, had a 6 week period, had a DNC and endometrial ablation as treatment for the 6 week period, and got a shit load of blood clots as a result of the out patient surgery, resulting in multiple bilateral pulmonary embolisms.

Say that 5 times fast.

For those who aren’t familiar with the term, pulmonary embolism means a blood clot trapped somewhere around a lung. They usually don’t form there, but migrate there. Their presence slows the flow of blood going past the lungs so even though your lungs work fine, you run out of breath because you can’t get enough oxygenated blood out of the lung area to the rest of your body. Bilateral means both sides, in this case both lungs. Multiple is self evident. So basically I have (or at this point, perhaps, had) multiple blood clots interrupting the blood flow around both lungs. This is not the same as cutting off the blood flow. That’s when you die. (See exhibit A: my father.)

Apparently your body can, over time, break the clots down. But to prevent the little pieces of clot that break off from forming new clots, they put you on blood thinners. As of Monday my blood was 4 times thinner than normal. (That’s overkill. It’s supposed to be between 2-3 times thinner. They’ve scaled back my blood thinner.) I get my blood tested about twice a week while they try to get this where it’s supposed to be.

I haven’t been to work in weeks. It’s been so long that I’m actually starting to miss it. I’m supposed to be applying for SDI, but it’s sort of a paper work nightmare, so I have to have yet another doctor fill out yet another form. In the meanwhile, I have given up every fucking vice I have ever had except for gaming. Between the fast (which I am still on, they even let me continue it while I was in the hospital) and the blood thinners, I am no longer allowed to: eat food, drink alcohol, drink caffeine, smoke, or go in hot tubs. Now would seem like the time to discover recreational drugs, but those are verboten as well. That’s where the question of “Where the fuck do you go from here?” comes into play. Vices are more than just a habit or an addiction; they serve a purpose. My addictions function as stress relief. Besides the fact that I have no idea what to do with myself, there’s the issue of I have no idea how to relax without these things.

When I explained this to a coworker who called to see how I was doing, she remarked “I’m glad your getting healthy.” If I could have reached through the phone to smack her, I would have.

But the statement has sort of stuck with me.

If I am getting healthy, even if it’s somewhat involuntary, I suppose it’s time to learn healthy relaxation techniques. (And talk about involuntary. I’ve reached my goal for the bariatric surgery, but I can’t have surgery for 6 months because of the clots. So my doctor wants me to stay on the fast for 6 more months. 6 more months!)

I guess there’s not much more to say. I mean, there’s tons more, but it kind of doesn’t matter at this point. Hell, at this point, I’m not sure what does still matter. And I guess that’s the really big issue. This is supposed to be life altering. And it is. But I don’t quite know how much my life has been altered. So I feel a little lost.

Life is insane, it must be coming up on Samhain.